So I have been going over things in my head.  I miss him.  I do.

But what do I miss?  Do I miss him or do I miss being his wife? What do I miss? The life full of yelling and screaming? Or do I miss sharing a life with him?

I ache everytime I get off of work.  I usually turn right and go to the home that is 2 minutes away.  Now I turn left and go a half an hour.  Do I miss coming home and finding him on the computer or do I miss coming home to him?

Everytime I think about losing all of that I get mad.  Why?  Is it because I am not in control of the situation?  Or do I honestly want my life back with John?

He says he misses me only sometimes. He's being really mean. He's mad and he's hurting. But he says if he wanted a divorce then he would have sent me divorce papers already.  I'm still waiting.  I am expecting it. He's waiting to get the money to do it.  He doesn't want to be the asshole and says he wants a divorce.  He doesn't want the blame of not wanting to try to work it out.  He doesn't want to go to counseling but he will so he can say that he did and it's not going to work and that's it. I know all of this  and I am still going through it.

I haven't talked to him in 2 days.  I miss talking to him.  I keep going over in my head what I can do to convince him that this is what he wants.  Too much has happened.  Too much has been said and done.  And it's a lot to get over. 

What is bothering me so much about all of this??  The guilt?  The fact that I screwed up AGAIN??

I miss being close to him.  I miss the smell of his soap in the morning.  I miss the smell of his shampoo.  I miss the kiss I got every morning.  I miss being his wife.  I miss him.  I miss the way he would end up laying on top of me. The way he had to be touching me when he fell asleep.  I miss holding his hand.  I miss his blue eyes.

Yes I miss my husband.  I miss him with every fiber of my being.  I miss "us".  I miss being with him.  I miss family dinners.  I miss sitting on the edge of the bed and talking.  I miss all of it.  Was my life so bad that I had to find another to replace the things that I thought I was missing?  Part of me says yes.  I did feel like I was being ignored.  I was left alone - even if he was in the same house.  I had to go to him.  I had to go to him if I wanted to be intimate.  I had to go to him if I wanted to talk.  I had to go to him if he wanted to talk.  I had to go into the bedroom if I wanted to watch TV with him.  He made no effort to spend time with me doing the things that I wanted to do.  But what did I want to do?? I wanted to dance - I wanted to dance with my husband.  I told him several times.  I got there is no room.  I told him we can move the couch and turn the music on.  He agreed.  But did he make any effort?  Did I?  Did he show any interest?? No.  He showed interest when I told him that I wanted to go the range, when I wanted to practice shooting.  He showed interest when I was interested in the things he wanted to do....  I got a lot of support then. Did he show interest when I wanted to first learn how to play the guitar?  He was more interested in the cost and when I found Albert and "low cost" lessons, he was more concerned about gas money.  I got "Hey it's sounding really good" every once in a while.  Was that encouragement?  What was that?
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I went through the box that he packed.  He packed.  Not me.  He keeps telling me that he doesn't know what he wants.  But then I get boxes and trash bags of stuff.  I get locked out of the house... He knows what he wants.  He wants to be done with this. He wanted to be done with this a long time ago.  He just didn't know how to express it.  So he ignored and buried his head in the sand ... he allowed for all of this to happen.  He let me slip though his fingers because he didn't want it anymore. It was a lot to deal with and he didn't want to deal... So I showed him a way out .... a really bad way to show it, but a way out.  He took it.

Do I want to go back to that?

I look at what I have now.  I have Albert.  Albert, a person who appreciates who I am .... but does he know who I am really?  He wants me and the kids.  He says he needs me and the babies.  He tells me that I'm beautiful.  He loves me.  He showers me with attention ..... and sometimes it's so overwhelming.  I am afraid of it.  How can he love me so much?  He hardly knows me. I hardly know me.

I found a world that isn't so rigid.  A world where the dishes don't really need to be done right now.  A world that moves slower. A world full of music. My cousin is down the street. I can walk to her house.  I miss the closeness that we had sometimes.  I missed having somebody to talk to about anything. Somebody that actually listened to everything that I had to say and didn't get hurt by anything that I had to say or mad.  I have felt so lost and alone for so long that ANY kind of attention was needed.  And boy did I find it. 

I was tired.  So tired ... and I can't wake up.  I'm more tired now than I was living in that house.

I just started washing the first of the bags that John had so nicely packed of the kids clothes.

When I went to pick up my insurance card, there were garbage bags upon garbage bags full of clothes that he and maybe his kids stuffed in garbage bags and they were placed on the porch.  Just like he did with Zack's clothes when he was mad and hurt with him.  So I don't doubt that his kids helped him pack.

Funny he hasn't touched my stuff.  It think it's that final step before the end.  It says he needs time - time to make sure that I have given up that other life.

That other life.............. this man, Albert, has a temper.  He acts like a child when he is mad and drunk. I was called a whore and a slut. He's seen right through me and thrown everything back in my face. And yet I find myself missing him and I love him. I see a life with him.  I see the future with him.  And yes, I love him. But is it love because I am lonely, or is it real love?

I can't see the future with John. I can't see us old together. I can't even start to imagine it.  I can't see anything with John. I'm lost. He hasn't even attempted to come and find me and it feels like if I want to come back, I have to find my way back ..... he won't even meet me half-way. Well not right now. But when? When I have become hopelessly lost and there is nothing left in my heart to go back to?  Yes he needs time, but my time is limited....

Yes I am the one who left, I am the one who strayed. I am the one who has hurt him and others around me.....

But doesn't he understand that he has done his fair share of hurting - it's a whole lot of little things. Things I learned to ignore and get over. Yes I ignored them, and I got over them because it was required to keep the peace and my sanity. It gets old .... SO OLD!

I told John I wanted to move back to Hondo. The appeal to Hondo is that it's slower out there. Things don't move so quickly.  John was going in a direction so quickly and it was scaring me.  He was preparing for the end - the end of what?  The fall of the government?  A virus attack?  Zombies? His job?  Us?  He lost faith? Did he ever have it?  He became an angry American.  I didn't want to be an angry American.  I was angry enough, there wasn't room enough to be angry even more....He wanted to make a difference. I wanted a clean house with co-operative kids.... I wanted a husband that showed affection.  I wanted a husband that hugged me because he wanted to ... not because he felt he had to.  Or needed some purpose to hug me - like bear hugs. I wanted affection outside the bedroom. When I tried to talk to him about this he told me I was wrong.  I don't know if he actually believed that or if he just didn't know how to fix it.  I told him that we need some counseling .. .I got great, how are we going to pay for that?

I don't see the future with John.... it's lost.  I used to imagine us traveling around the country after the kids left.  I used to imagine riding on the back of the bike .... I haven't been on the bike in so long.  That seat hasn't been my seat for a long time.  My jacket and helmet aren't mine anymore. They belong to Shelby. And that pisses me off. It pisses me off that I am jealous of a 14 year old for the time he spends with her that was once mine.... the passenger seat on the bike was mine.

I'm tired of tears.  I am tired of crying.  I am tired to thinking about this.  I am tired of all of this indecision.  There is no joy in my life right now. I can't find the joy in naything.......

Since I don't have my social network anymore, I have really nothing to do.

I don't want to spend my time in front of the TV.  It's too damn hot outside.  I live next to the sun, believe me, it's right next door. I have started a chain for something but I don't know what. I don't have the patience to read. And to start another social page does not appeal to me.

So .... here I am.  In front of my computer, typing to anonymous people who aren't even paying attention to this.  I believe all of my ranting and raving is going out in internet limbo where it just stays!  Which is fine with me.  I guess.

I feel the need to type. I feel the need to scream and cry and cry till there is nothing left. I want solitude. I want to be left alone. I don't want to deal with the day to day life of anything right now. But alas I have 3 kids that don't need my direct attention all of the time, but still need my attention.  I have a marriage that is in shambles that needs attention.  I have a head that needs attention. I have thoughts that need attention.  The person who gave me the attention that I wanted is gone now. It's for the best.  He needs to get on with his life.  Obviously this isn't the right time or the place for us to be together. I love him but not enough. It's never been a question that I loved him, I do. It's how much. A relationship based on deceit.  It's not a good one. Why is it that we are faced with the what ifs and regrets?

I am thankful that my mom is giving me a haven for now.  I am thankful that she has enough room in her heart to allow me to come back.  I have felt so alone for so long. I don't feel so alone anymore....

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So ...... I had a little break down yesterday.  I have surrendered my gun to my husband until I am in a better frame of mind.

I was also called a whore, a slut.... and have been degraded and put in my place.... down below the dredges of the earth. Everything that I touch turns to shit.  I don't know how to do anything but to spread my legs and make myself feel good, because I don't know of any other way to do it..... Isn't that what the definition of a whore is?

I am tired.... just tired.  I give up.  I tried to juggle all of this and in the end, I lost.  I lost my husband, I lost my lover.... I lost my best friend.  I have hurt too many people on my road to self destruction.  I shouldn't be allowed onto society.

Day #1 without facebook. Yes I miss the daily updates of all my friends. My social network. It made me feel connected to my friends and co-workers. So now I am off and not in the loop again.

I haven't talked to him since yesterday.  He was pretty angry.  I don't blame him. It would make me angry. I am so afraid of talking to him now.  Afraid of him just making me feel like there is hope because he doesn't want to seem like an asshole.  He doesn't want to be the one who doesn't want to work things out. He wants to make it seem like it is all me.  Like his first wife.... who chose her lover over him.

I miss my bear hugs. I miss his blue eyes, eyes as blue as the water. I miss the excitement in his eyes when things go right. I miss the fact that he can fix ANYTHING. My jar opener, my high place reacher. I missed the fact that he refuses to eat dinner anywhere but the kitchen table and our family dinners. I miss the security of him being near me, sleeping next to me. I miss him. I miss his smell.  I miss the scents that came from him taking a shower, the smell of his soap and shampoo. The smell of his clothes. The smell of his aftershave. I miss him so badly.

I am afraid of losing him. I am afraid of not being his wife anymore.  I am afraid of forever without him. And maybe that is the difference between him and me.  He's not afraid of forever without me .... he doesn't need me in his life like I need him. He's told me as much.  He wants me in his life, he doesn't need me.  He can live without me, and he is doing a damn good job without me.

Things have gotten so messed up.  FUBAR is the word. And now the aftermath is so unrecognizable that it's impossible to ever look back.

I miss him so bad. I have hurt him so bad. And I need somebody to talk to that will just sit and listen and not make me make a plan or to influence my decisions. Or give me ultimatums.

I want to go back and make things better. And he won't even entertain the idea.

Going back to the way it was is not an options, but I think that going forward and repairing is better.  But where I am at is pummeling every little last bit of what it left.

I need to leave, but I'm afraid to be left with nobody.  And I shouldn't be afraid of being by myself.  I am afraid of hurting somebody else.  I don't want to hurt anybody else, and in the process, I am hurting myself. And I am hurting beyond normal hurt.

Why can't I be happy?  Why can't I be happy with any of the decisions that I make?

Why do I get angry and make impulsive decisions?  I think that they are better at the time, but they really aren't. I heard him tell me not to go ....... but I don't know why I didn't listen. Maybe because it seemed like he didn't listen to me ..... I mean not just hear what I was saying, but really listen.  I gave him all of the insight in the world as to what was going on with me .... and he didn't hear or see it.  He knew.  He knew and he did nothing. What does that mean?  Does it mean that he was tired as well and didn't really think that it was worth saving, worth fighting for?

Right now it's not, it's all on pieces on the ground shattered. It's beyond gorilla glue fixable.

I have prayed ... well I have said prayers. Are they enough? No, I don't think so.  I need to just sit and meditate, pray. I want to be by myself .... and just think. Is that possible?  Is it possible to be by myself and just think?  There is no way of being just by myself, except for the rides to SA to go to work and coming back.... and they aren't really by myself, I'm on the phone.

Time to go ...... things to do.